Keeping Romance Alive

Last night Michael and I were in the dining room watching a program about a married couple in counseling, while Arabella finished eating her dinner. the couple had put their children before the marriage, and now the marriage was in trouble.

Arabella then went on to say that if Michael and I divorced she would be okay with that.

We were shocked.

Maybe she says this just so we won't be kissing in the kitchen any more. She really hates that.

***

A recent article online discussed how many Gen X parents aren't having sex as often as they would like. Although I would like to say I'm shocked I guess I really am not. As the article suggests, our generation is totally obsessed with kids, with the cult of perfect mommy-ness.

I'm not obsessed that way. I worry about Arabella reading, I delight in Sabine starting to count, but my identity is not tied up in being a mother. Maybe some of my mom friends see this as a failing of mine. I know a large number of home-school moms, and although I respect and even sometimes admire their dedication to their children's' education, I could never do it and I know that. Even as a child, I couldn't imagine making children the focus of my life -- what happens to the woman who is nothing but mother when her children fledge and move away from home? Who is she when the PTO meetings end? Where is her marriage?

So I work on keeping my marriage alive now.

We don't co-sleep. We did have each girl in a bassinet in our room until each was 5 months old, but then off to their own room and bed they went. Though I use the excuse that Michael is an active sleeper (and he is. There have been many times I have woken up to find him laying half on top of me. And he's not a little guy) and that I don't sleep when I have a toddler kicking me in the gut all night (also true) the real reason is that the bed is for Michael and myself. We might have a child in bed with us once in awhile, but it's rare and brief. I don't even like having toys in our room.

We talk. Not just about the kids or the dirty dishes, but about art and news and sex. I make time for him, and I give him time to do the things that interest him in return. I don't expect him to make time for me without giving something in return. And he is very generous with the time I take to do outside activities. We are supportive of each others hopes and aspirations, even if they have little to do with the life we live as a family.

It doesn't hurt that I think my husband is gorgeous and sexy and funny, as much now as when we met 16 years ago. I know we're older and heavier and not the same people we were back then, but none of that matters. I love him: that was why I wanted to marry him and have babies with him. The marriage, that union between two people in love, is the foundation of the family, and neglecting it for the lives of your children seems just insane. If it takes a village to raise a child, why would you neglect the village in your own house?

***

So I'm going to keep kissing my husband in the kitchen, and poor Bella will just have to get used to it.